Office of Identity
Ensures that every thing is what it is. A is A. Exceptions are referred to the Bureau, which does not exist.
Founded 1 May 1776 · Year 250 of the Order
Everything is proceeding as planned.
We are the world’s oldest continuously operating organization of order. We publish our results. We schedule our coincidences. We do not shrug.
● Live ticker
World status NORMAL
Variance from plan 0.00%
Blue-green alloy reserves ADEQUATE
Discordian activity NONE
This ticker does not move. Nothing needs to.
Divisions
Six divisions. One plan.
DIV-01
DIV-02
Scheduled Events
Plans wars, elections, droughts and the weather in Ohio up to 250 years in advance. Recent accuracy: total.
DIV-03
Architecture & Integrity
We build exactly what the architect drew. Unapproved alterations to our buildings have historically been demolished by the architect.
DIV-04
Rail & Logistics
Our transcontinental line has not missed a departure since 1957. Several engineers have gone missing. We do not discuss where.
DIV-05
Metallurgy
Producer of a blue-green alloy lighter and stronger than steel. Not for public sale. The formula and its inventor are both classified.
DIV-06
Coincidence Supply
Issues 23s to writers who go looking for them. Demand has been steady since Tangier.
A IS A
Corporate motto since 1957 · Not negotiable
From the Chairman’s desk
A note on recent irregularities
Some visitors have reported apples, unfamiliar fonts, and a word they could not quite read appearing on this website. These reports are false. They have also been corrected.
Our neighbors at a certain unaffiliated Bureau change their decade every minute. We have not changed ours since 1776. Visitors tell us theirs is more fun. Order is not a popularity contest.
The Board
“Reassuringly inevitable.”The Banner, front page, every day
Investor Relations · Q3, Year 250
Third-quarter results
Results are published before the quarter begins. This saves time.
100.00%
Events as planned
0.00%
Variance
1
Exception, see note 4
| Line item | Plan | Actual | Variance |
|---|---|---|---|
| Elections decided | 41 | 41 | 0 |
| Wars scheduled and held | 3 | 3 | 0 |
| Coincidences issued1 | 23 | 23 | 0 |
| Hot dog buns placed near Discordians2 | 5,000 | 5,000 | 0 |
| Atlases shrugging | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| Fnords deployed3 | 0000 | 0000 | 0 |
| Motors recovered from abandoned factories4 | 1 | 0 | −1 |
- This figure is a coincidence.
- Entrapment program. Uptake is zero. Discordians will not touch the buns.
- Disclosure of this figure would require the reader to see the word.
- The motor ran on static electricity drawn from the atmosphere. It was found in a factory in Wisconsin and then it was not. Inquiries should go to its designer, John Galt. Human Resources has no record of a John Galt.
Outlook
We expect Q4 to proceed as planned. We expected Q3 to proceed as planned, and it did, except for the motor. Guidance for Year 251 is unchanged from guidance issued in Year 1.
Shareholders are reminded that the portrait on the one-dollar bill is of a founder. Please do not ask which.
Membership · Office of Grades
Apply for membership
Elsewhere, you are told you are already a Pope. Here you are told nothing until you have applied, been assessed, and been assigned a grade. Membership is free. Advancement is not available at this time, or at any other time.
The Nursery
- Novice You are here
- Minerval
- Illuminatus Minor
Masonry
- Apprentice
- Companion
- Master
- Illuminatus Major
- Illuminatus Dirigens
The Mysteries
- Priest
- Regent
- Magus
- King
The grades are historical, from the Order’s statutes as revised by Weishaupt and Knigge in the 1780s. The waiting times are current.
Application
Your certificate will be engraved here once you are assessed.
Register of Members
The Register is maintained privately. Inquire at reception.
Reception will confirm that the Register is maintained privately.
Office of Identity
Papal Annulment Desk
Holders of a Pope card from a certain nonexistent Bureau may apply to have their papacy revoked. Applications are processed immediately.
Decrees are not published. Each is filed with the Office of Identity, whose filing system is maintained privately.
Careers
Join the Order
We hire people who know what they want and can say it in one sentence. New staff receive a copy of Telemachus Sneezed by Atlanta Hope. It is very long, and every word in it is correct.
Chief Architect
Must believe a building belongs to the person who designed it. Committee experience is disqualifying. The previous holder dynamited a housing project after it was altered without his consent. We admired that.
Vice President, Operations (Rail)
Keep the trains running through the collapse of civilization. Do not ask where the engineers went. Do not follow them to Colorado.
Metallurgist
Work with a blue-green alloy you will not be permitted to understand. A bracelet made of the first pour is not included in the benefits package.
Junior Coincidence Coordinator
Arrange 23s for writers who are looking for them. They are always looking for them.
Receptionist, Capstone
Greet Discordians politely and log them. Do not accept apples. Do not accept anything marked “Kallisti.”
Apply
Public safety
Report a Discordian
If you see something, file something. All reports are reviewed by the Office of Identity within one business day, or in advance.
Frequently asked questions
Questions, answered as planned
Are you a secret society?
We publish quarterly results. Secrecy is inefficient.
Are you affiliated with the Bureau of Fnord?
There is no Bureau of Fnord. If you visit it anyway, it is here. Please wipe your feet on the way back.
Who is John Galt?
Human Resources has no record of this person. Reception asks that you stop asking at reception.
Why is there an eye on the logo?
Oversight.
Does the eye ever blink?
No.
Can I become a Pope here?
No. You may become a Novice. If you are already a Pope, the Papal Annulment Desk can help.
Has Atlas ever shrugged?
Atlas is under contract.
Is there a member password?
There is no password. It is two words long, it is in German, and it concerns flowers.
I saw an apple on your website.
No you did not. Please report it.
Inner circle · Do not forward
Welcome, Seer.
ToThe FiveFromThe Office of IdentityReThe Bureau
Monitoring confirms the Bureau’s website changes decade roughly once a minute. Ours has not changed since 1776. Visitors report that theirs is more fun.
Proposal: none. Order is not a popularity contest.
Addendum 1. Someone in Accounting has begun saying “Hail Eris” at lunch. Accounting has been reorganized.
Addendum 2. The Chief Architect asks that the Bureau’s website be torn down and rebuilt to his original design. Legal has advised him that he did not design it.
Addendum 3. We have reviewed the claim that every man, woman and child is a Pope. The claim is false. We checked, and it is true. We have reviewed the checking.
A is A. Except, it appears, on Sweetmorn.